jesters: ([ Rin ])
Ghost ([personal profile] jesters) wrote2013-12-05 12:57 am

(no subject)

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. This happens every six months or so and I write a vague post then delete it. But I guess I'm feeling self-reflective over the last five or six years and overall come to the conclusion that I feel calm. Not pleased or satisfied, and not unhappy or regretful, but calm.

I don't regret much, just wish I could have handled things a few years ago like I would now. If I had then what I do now, I might have been braver, found better words, mediated things more effectively, been more honest with myself and others. I might have picked times better, may have said some things that I didn't, and not said things that I did. I might have had better logical thinking, been more selfish when I needed to be, and been more aware of people around me when I should have.

Really, there's not much point in going round in circles over-thinking things by compared ourselves now to how we were in past points because you can't get to the Now-self without going through the Past-self; you can't get to anywhere without fucking up royally and reflecting on it. So I'm not beating myself up here and I'm not clinging to resentment of anyone, I've never been one for holding grudges. I'm just at a point--and think I have been for sometime--where I can and do reflect on events and people and not feel resentful or angry. It was a mixed bag, but I wouldn't change any of it in actual substance.

I don't regret much, just wish I was more the person I am now back then, which is actually impossible.

Maybe this is a long-winded way of saying thank you for the memories--they do mean a lot to me. Truly.